Dealing with a venter or an over explainer? How to Listen When Your Communication Styles Don’t Match – Mark Goulston – Harvard Business Review

via How to Listen When Your Communication Styles Don’t Match – Mark Goulston – Harvard Business Review.

A very useful piece from the author of Just Listen – one of my favourite books for management reading of the past few years.  Some helpful strategies here on what to do when you are struggling to listen to a venter or an over-explainer.  Start from the premise that despite the lack of great communications skills, venters may have important things to tell you and that explainers may not be able to leave the belabouring space until they feel you have heard them.  For over-explainers in particular, they may be having trouble feeling heard in other parts of their life and the impatience of the listener may actually cause them to delve even deeper into over-explaining.

The advice is essentially the same for both: override your instinct to shut down and ensure that you stay present for their words.  The author even suggests that you focus on their left eye – which is connected to the right brain or the emotional brain.

Then when they are finished, say a variation of the following:

“I can see you’re really frustrated/had a lot to say. To make sure I don’t add to that,  and to make sure I don’t miss something, what was the most important thing I need to do in the long term, what’s the critical thing I need to do in the short term, and what do I need to get done ASAP?”

After they respond, say to them, “What you just said is way too important for me to have misunderstood a word, so I’m going to say it back to you to make sure I am on the same page with you. Here’s what I heard.” Then repeat exactly, word for word, what they said to you.  After you finish, say to them, “Did I get that right and if not, what did I miss?” Forcing them to listen to what you said they said, “because it was important,” will slow them down, will help you stay centered and in control, and will earn you their and your own respect.

Though this formula may not work for every setting, it’s a good starting off place – you clearly had something important to tell me, have I heard you?

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